Recently my oldest and best friend (since kindergarten) was talking about renting a house in Puerto Rico for her family and mine. We talk often and have remained close over the years. I consider her family a part of my family.
She recently told me that she went ahead and booked the trip with her sister-in-law, her cousins and her parents without saying anything about it. I was very hurt, and when I told her that, her response was, “Well, I didn’t make the arrangements; my sister-in-law did. There will be little kids, and I know you don’t want that. Do that.” (I had previously told her that when my husband and I go on vacation, we prefer adult-only resorts.) I am disappointed and angry. Should I end our friendship or just let it go?
— Excluded in New York
If this is the first time something like this has happened, let it go. If it keeps happening, and I doubt it will, reassess the friendship.
Should mother interfere with son’s wedding plans?
My husband passed away seven years ago. My oldest son, “Danny”, is 29 and is getting married. He has one brother, ‘Adam’, who is 19, and they have always gotten along. I’m really upset that Adam wasn’t asked to be at the wedding party, at least not as a groomsman.
I’m sure my husband, if he were alive, would have talked to Danny about this – especially since ALL FOUR of my husband’s brothers were at our wedding, as well as his best friend. I’m angry that I have to bring it to Danny’s attention, but I have to deal with this without making him angry. What is your opinion?
— Matter of scruples
Scruples may have less to do with this than budget constraints or Adam’s young age. In any case, tell Danny about this, but then refrain from interfering. Your wedding was yours; this one belongs to Danny and his fiancée.
Son’s fiancé uses grandsons as weapons
My son (my only child) lives with his betrothed. His marriage, from which my eldest grandson was born, has finally come to an end. He has two boys with the betrothed. She and I have never seen each other. When my son and I argue, she keeps me from seeing my grandsons. It makes it very hard for me to bond with them for fear that she will keep them away forever. What should I do? I actually hold back my emotions because I’m scared.
— On eggshells in Washington
If you and your son are in a functional relationship (aside from an occasional disagreement), discuss it with him and be honest about it. His fiancé shouldn’t use the kids to punish you. However, if your son won’t stop what she’s doing, it makes sense to protect your emotions — and not feel guilty about doing it. If that means guarding them where your son’s children are concerned, that would be the healthier course of action.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
This article originally appeared in The Providence Journal: Dear Abby: Upset Friend After Not Having Vacation Plans